master, can i ask a question? master, please let me speakin aulacese (vietnamese). at the end of the year 2006 in thailand, during the seven-day retreat,on the first day, the first night, i came to group meditationwith three other sisters. it was the session from 3 to 7 am,and i sat in front of master’s table. because there were too many people, the quan yin messengertook me near there, but the air conditioner behindwas too loud.
i told myself, “if i sit here, i won’t be able to hear anythingwhen i do quan yin (sound meditation).†but when i meditated on the sound,suddenly i heard master singing. i was so happy and said to myself, “oh, master cameand she is singing to the initiates, why am i still doing quan yin?†so i opened my eyes,“oh, it’s so dark, no one is coming!†i thought, “oh, that meansi had an inner experience!†so i closed my eyes again,
and once more,i heard master singing. and your voicewas so melodious and beautiful, accompanied by the soundof bamboo sticks striking one another. “tok, tok, tok,†very nice. then i concentrated and thought, “let’s see what languagemaster was singing in.†then i said, “no, it was notaulacese (vietnamese), chinese, or english.†listening to your voice,i felt so relaxed, so comfortable.
after a while,maybe 15 or 20 minutes, suddenly, master’s voicebecame gradually softer, softer, softer, softer,and then it stopped. on the second day, i also cameto group meditation at 3 o’clock. a guard also took meto the exact same place. i said to myself,“oh, the same place.†however, i thought,as my mind was a little bit greedy, “maybe master would give meanother experience.†when i meditated on the sound,
suddenly i felta tickling on my forehead, as if someone touched that spot. suddenly, it rotated fast around,around, and around. it seemed like someone was pullinga curtain up and then pulling it down. in front of my eyes,there was a bright, vast sky. wow, i was so happyand felt so good. and then i sawa really white pigeon, so radiant, flying out from my wisdom eyeinto the empty space, then it flew to the right.
after that, i saw a second onebigger than the first also flying out. it was brilliant white and so beautiful. it flew higher than the first one,then it also flew to the right. i was so happy, and theni saw a third pigeon, master. the third one was much biggerthan the other two, brilliant white and so beautiful. it flew straight up. it didn’t use its wings but flew straightall the way up very high and disappeared. when the third pigeondisappeared, suddenly i felt
like someone pulling a curtainup and down at my wisdom eye, master. that was my inner experienceon the second day. those were my inner experiencesat the thailand retreat, master. good for you. thank you, master. you’re welcome. anybody else? indian? master, thank you very much.
i’m from south africa. oh, you are? (yes.) look like indian. your ancestry, right? my ancestors were from north india. okay. i’d just like to say somethingbefore that. thank you very, very muchfrom our johannesburg team. and this is the messagethey sent through me.
yes. master is creator. master is sustainer. master is divine,the destroyer (of negativity). master is omnipresent,the transcendental divinity. to you and only you, glorious master,i render my salutations. can i explain the meaningin english, (i know.) quickly? i heard that in india, very nice. okay,
“you are a masterthat’s higher than god because…†don’t offend the guy. guru brahma, guru vishnuand guru devo are the three trinityof the hindu philosophy. and you are greater than thatbecause you take us to god. and you show us the light. you show us the sound. you show us everythingand that is why you’re so great. thank you very, very much.
you’re a real indian. in india, they’re very devotedto their guru. they always singthis kind of similar song like, “you are better than god. when i pray,god doesn’t care about me, but you comeand lift me out of misery.†something like that. and there’s somethingthey sing very offensive, like, “if god and guru would stand before me,whom would i choose?
the guru.†oh, god. no wonder the buddha saidthere’s no god. what’s the use of telling the indiansthere is a god when they don’t care? “you’re better than god.your guru is better than god.†they sing this kind of song,and they really mean it. the indian people,when they found a true guru, they really devote themselves. they do all kinds of things,
offering at home andoffering in front of the guru, they do pranam,means prostration. and they also offerall kinds of things, offer their house, their money,their possessions, anything. lucky i don’t take anything,otherwise you’d have nothing left. because they all declare,the indians declare that, “everything that is mine is not mine. it’s the guru’s property.†and also, they never dareto sit at the same height as the guru.
when we look at our guru,we normally prostrate. and that is to show our (respect.)level and respect to the guru. okay. they touch the feetand kiss the feet (yes, we touch the feet.)of the guru and all that. very extremely humble. i wanted to saysomething special, i forgot. they say when you touch the guru’s feet,you are elevated immediately. only if you meditate! only lazy people say like that.
okay, of course. of course, there is a help then. there’s an effect there. indian people, theynever criticize their guru, never ever. they would die for the guru. they’d do anything, anything. it’s more traditional there. the indian people, they’remore spiritually cultivated.
i don’t mean becauseyou live in south africa… you’re the same anyway. because they’re used to it. they have this kind of educationsince they were kids already. and the whole nation is like that. very respectful. so, he just sang the song thatindian people love to sing. anything else? you.
blessings, master. i’m just going to say thank you for letting mecome and see you again. and it’s just wonderful,and you are my yellow rose, and i had planted a yellow rosemany years ago in honor of you. and every year it bloomsand it’s beautiful, and tonight you’re wearingthat color yellow. (for you, hey?) and i’m just sitting here,
thinking, “i just see my yellow rose,and you are a beautiful yellow rose and…†this is also yellow. yes, yes, i know! and i’ve done a piece of artwork,but it’s just amazing, (thank you.) in your honor,and it’s beautiful and (thank you.) dedicated it to you,so it’s lovely. thank you for remembering me. i do always. never forget you, master. (yeah, good.)
and if i can take your cough,give it to me, i’ll take it. oh, thank you. no, no. (bless you.) you can’t. you do so much for us lately,i just want… don’t wish like that because for me,it’s very little. but to you, it would kill you,many lives. but i thought i suffered,and hearing your stories, now i’m thinking maybe my suffering is nothingcompared to your suffering.
maybe not. but… and it’s hard in this world,i know. (don’t worry.) don’t ever wish thatbecause if it comes true, you cannot bear. for me, it’s little already,but if to you… what i mean is,if you take it, you will die. and you’ll die many lifetimes and in agony,so don’t ever wish like that. i wish you well then, master,i wish you well. thank you. that’s good.
you can pray together like,“if it’s possible,†but don’t say to wish it on yourself. because it might happenand i don’t want that. it is terrible. it’s not just coughing like this. it’s just a little bit to come out. but this is because for me,it’s minimized. but if it’s you, wow,i don’t dare. i don’t dare to wish you have it becausethe bad karma (retribution),
it will be multiple. it’s not just coughing. for me,it’s already minimized. very minimized already. if suppose it’s not mewho bears all this karma, it is you or any of you,cannot imagine. you’d go to hell. many lifetimes. the karma is too big.
don’t ever wish it on yourself. you can say, “wish you well.†if our blessingsmean anything, master, because you’re so highand we are down here, but bless you, bless you. oh, you could.thank you. you can bless me, of course, of course. (bless youmany million and one times. that’s all i say. blessings.) everybody blesses a little bit,also helps. thanks a lot.
and it’s good for youto be so compassionate. but don’t ever wish anythingthat i have on yourself. don’t ever. because if the lord of karmahears that, he’ll punish you. don’t wish. (thank you.) any other questions? or you want to hear any jokes? oh, this is a lousy one.
he promised me right in the front page thatit is “safe for general use.†but i still found some sneaking in, mildly hinting bad stuff. this one maybe. but i just hate it when it’s so longwhen you can make it in three sentences. this guy is famous for making it long. because i know some others, i read somewhere else the same joke,but it’s only three lines. and here, he makes itsometimes twenty.
there’re some of the jokesi read before, so long. you dye your hair? (yes.) it suits you. (thank you.) looks good. looks good. yes, long story. your hair, long story? yes. long and blonde. i don’t know why. why? it looks good.
yes, it’s nice, i like it. you dyed them, right? (yes, yes.) so why should itbe a long story? just… oh, no, it’s justi’ve seen things and then, it’s kind of making me do it this way. want to do it. okay. (yes.) why not? shown things, not understand,but i’m doing it anyway. oh, it’s your hair,it suits you. (yes.) looks nice.
thank you. thank you. yes, not too much blonder,that’s good like that. (no, just, yes. thank you.) more natural. i have another one here. this, somebody elsegave it to me. i hope it’s good. i don’t really know. too big,i’ll read a small one first.
“a million to one†is the title. a man trying to understandthe nature of god asks hirm, “god, how longis a million years to you?†oh, we know this already,right? yeah. we know this story, right? i don’t knowwhy this guy’s so boring. he didn’t hear all my tapes,that’s why. i even read one sentenceand i know this joke already.
anybody who doesn’t know this joke,raise hand. then go listen to my tapes. never mind,i’ll tell you anyway. god answers,“a million years is like a minute to me.†then the man asks, “god, how muchis a million dollars to you?†and god replies,“a million dollars is like a penny to me.†so finally, the man says,“god, could you give me a penny?†and you know already, right?
and god says, “in a minute.†it’s a good one. “a prayer for the day.†“dear god, so far today,i have done all right. i haven’t gossiped.†oh, i have. sorry. “and i haven’tlost my temper.†i have. “so i haven’t been grumpy.â€
i have. have i? “nasty or selfish, either. and i’m really glad of that. but in a few minutes, god, i’m going to get out of bed, and from then on, i am probably going toneed a lot of help. thank you in advance. amen!†he was sleeping, of course,he didn’t do anything like that alone.
there’s a similar joke. there are two old ladies gossiping. the other lady says,“oh, my son, he’s really bad. oh, he gambles,and he’s womanizing, and he doesn’t do anything in the house,and he doesn’t want to get a job, either. my god, i don’t knowwhat to do with him.†so the other lady says, “okay, maybe you have topray to god to help you. in that situation,nobody can help you, either.â€
and the other lady says,“okay, okay. i think i will do that.†and she asks her, she asks the adviser,“and how about you? is your son very good? or bad like mine?†the first lady says,“no, no, he’s good. he doesn’t drink,he doesn’t smoke, he doesn’t talk bad,he doesn’t swear,
he always stays at home, and it’s not much he doesthat doesn’t please me.†so the second lady says,“wow! aren’t you lucky? how old is he?†“five years old.†“in the bar†again. oh, “the bearâ€! not “in the bar,†sorry,“the bear.†because most of the jokesare always like,
“a man walked into a bar,â€you know what i mean? it’s typical, the typical slogan of jokes. in the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenlyconfronted by a huge, hungry bear. in his fear, all attemptsto shoot the bear were unsuccessful. finally, he turned and ranas fast as he could. the hunter ran and ran and ran until he ended up at the edgeof a very steep cliff.
his hopes were dim. seeing no wayout of his predicament, and with the bear closing inrather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees. it’s the same like the lion. this joke i told before,except with the lion. you want to continue with that?(yes.) probably you didn’t hear it. okay. everything is the sameexcept, instead of the lion,
it’s a bear. okay, now, so he kneeled downand opened his arms, and prayed to god, “dear god, please give this bearsome religious conscience.†the sky darkenedand there was lightning in the air. just a few feet shortof the hunter, the bear came, abruptly stopped and glanced around,somewhat confused.
suddenly, the bear looked upinto the sky and said, “thank you, god, for the foodi am about to receive.†“where is the post office?†a little boy was waiting for his motherto come out of the grocery store. as he waited, he was approachedby a man who asked, “son, can you tell mewhere the post office is?†the little boy replied, “sure. just go straight down this streeta couple of blocks and turn to your right.â€
the man thanked the boykindly and said, “i am the new pastor in town.†new priest in town. “i’d like for youto come to church on sunday. i will show youhow to get to heaven.†talk to children, it’s simple. the little boy replied with a chuckle,“aw, come on. you don’t even knowthe way to the post office!†good one, good one.
(that’s good.) good one. “god’s laughter.†the question is:how do you make god laugh? the answer:tell him your plans. you understand, right? (yes.) hes messes it up. probably hes knows thatit’s not going to happen. right? “i, too, sent my son.â€
a jewish businessmanin chicago sent his son to israel for a yearto absorb the culture. when the son returned,he said, “papa, i had a great time in israel. by the way,i converted to christianity.†“oy vey!†said the father. “what have i done?†he took his problem to his best friendand said to his best friend, “john, i sent my son to israeland he came home a christian.
what can i do?†and john said,“funny you ask! i, too, sent me son to israeland he also came home a christian. perhaps we shouldgo to see the rabbi.†before, i thought it’s “rabies,†dog’s problem. so they did, and theyexplained their problem to the rabbi. “funny you should ask,â€says the rabbi, “i, too, sent my son to israel,
and he also came home a christian. what is happening to ouryoung people nowadays?†and so they all prayed together,telling the lord about their sons. it’s funny. they’re telling the lord,but they can’t accept their christianity. as they finished their prayer,a voice came from the heavens. the voice said,“funny you should ask. i, too, sent my son to israel.†good one.
i like that one. i like. “how enlightened are you?†if you can live without caffeine,if you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains… why they are talking about me? is that a joke for me? if you can resist complaining, if you can understand when your loved ones aretoo busy to give you any time,
if you can take criticisms and blamewithout resentment, if you can ignorea friend’s limited education and never correct him or her, if you can resist treating a rich friendbetter than a poor friend, if you can face the worldwithout lies and deceit, if you can conquer tensionwithout medical help. if you can relax without liquor –this i can. if you can sleep without the aid of drugs –this i can, too! wow, tough.
if you can honestly say thatdeep in your heart you have no prejudiceagainst creed, color, religion, gender preferenceor politics, then you have almost reachedthe same level of spiritual development as your dog. oh, thank you very much. thank god. it’s true, the dogs are like that. wow.
sounds like dogs are saints. well, my dogs are. my dogs are very saintly,i think. all your dogs are, too. if you have one, or ones. i hate an unfinished job,but it’s a lot here. i’ll do what i can. without complaining. i can live without caffeine,that i can.
i can be cheerful,ignoring aches and pains. i can. sometimes. and i can resist complaining. sometimes. i can understand when your loved one’stoo busy to give you any time. i don’t have any loved one. if you can take criticism and blamewithout resentment. so i fail a lot of tests,so keep reading, then it just keeps tellingthat i fail all the time.
anyway, so,at least i am not a dog. you know by now, right? that’s clear evidence. because i couldn’t complete all these tests,so i’m not a dog. wow! how obvious! “reversing life sequence.†i want to live my next lifebackwards. you start out deadand get that out of the way. then you wake up in the nursing home,feeling better every day.
of course, backward. then you get kicked outfor being too healthy. you enjoy your retirementand collect your pension. then, when you start work,you get a gold watch on your first day. how can it be? you work forty years untilyou are too young to work. all backward. isn’t that nice. you get readyfor high school party all the time. then you go to primary school,you become a kid.
you play andyou have no responsibility. then you become a baby. and then, you spend your last nine monthsfloating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions. central heating,room service on tap. i don’t like that. i don’t like the last one,even if it looks nice. floating in all that,who wants it? “god creates man and woman.â€
it’s another one. god and adam were walking through the garden of edendiscussing various things. at some point,adam says to god, “wow, god! oh, lord! you sure made eve awfully beautiful. just amazingly beautiful.†so spoke the lord,“yes, my son. that is so you would love hervery, very, very deeply.â€
after a brief moment… i think we had similar joke… adam hesitatingly commented, “but lord, why did you make eveso not too smart?†means stupid, you know. “ah, yes,†says god. “that is so she would love youvery, very deeply.†i don’t think so. i think it’s the opposite.
this is a similar jokefrom somewhere else. not about adam and eve. it’s our ancestors. they should not offend ourgreat, great, great ancestors like that. if we even had one. some people think we evolvedfrom monkeys anyway. that’s why sometimes we go,“oo, oo! oo!†this, i like it. it’s called “peace.â€
a disciple tells the master,“oh, wise and knowing one, master, please take meto the realm of perfect peace.†so the master says to him,“if i take you to that realm, it will no longer be peace.†it’s true. it’s true like that. did you watch a film called “lost horizon� there was a place calledshangri-la somewhere, supposed to be like heaven on earth.
and then one of the personswho were lost there said, “wow, this is a beautiful,perfect place. it would be nice if everyone knows itand comes here.†and the monk said or somebody said, “if everyone comes here,there won’t be shangri-la anymore.†“graffiti.†seen on a restroom wall:“god is dead. nietzsche.†that’s from nietzsche,the german atheist. below that sentence ,it was written,“nietzsche is dead. god.â€
they both signed their signatures. you are dead, man. “not getting the joke.†this is from voltaire. “god is a comedian playingto an audience too afraid to laugh.†are we? we are afraid to laugh? i guess too much suffering here. it’s supposed to be like a play,
like a drama for god or for some heaven. but for us, it’s not. for us,it’s very terrible sometimes. are you okay? you tired already, we stop? no.no? (no.) you understand my english?(yes.) because i’m worried i don’t speak englishthe way the english people do. is it okay?
“modern zen humor.†question: how do youdescribe a schizophrenic zen buddhist? answer: it is a man who is at twowith the universe. not at one, but at twowith the universe. another modern zen humor. a student once askedzen teacher steve allen this question: “if you weregiven a wish-fulfilling jewel, what would you wish for?â€
replied allen,“i’d wish to stop wishing.†random quips fromvarious unknown sources. “as long as there are tests,there will be prayer in public school.†another one. “i have takena vow of poverty. to test me,please send me money.†“ever stop to thinkand forget to start again?†“why don’t sheep shrinkwhen it rains?†“if westerners’ babies eatwith teaspoons, do asians’ babies eatwith toothpicks?â€
because chopstick are big,so toothpicks are small. it is cute, it’s cute. it’s cute. some people really had nothing to do. so they can think of such things. “how have the signs‘keep off the grass’ been put there in the first place?†(oh, yes, yes.) yeah, because they have towalk on the grass to put. some people reallyhave nothing to do.
but it’s okay. at least they give ussome funny times. looking how many left. my god, this guy,he really printed small. i wonder how i can read itwith my eyes even. look at that, so small. and i forgotto even put the glasses on, now i realize i don’t have glasses. and i kept reading all this time.
normally, when the printis very small, i need glasses. reading glasses. it’s a different joke. oh, this isanother random thought. “did adam have a belly button?†why are you laughing? it’s because…?(your expression.) my expression! so, it’s not the joke,it’s me you laugh at!
thank you very much! for your compliment. “how do you get rid ofan old boomerang?†because if you throw it out,it comes back to you. it’s cute. “solution to the previous question: throw it down a one-way street.†not bad. the boomerang, he cannot go backbecause it’s a one-way street.
“why do buildingsopening 24/7 have locks?†if it says open 24/7,why do they have locks? just like the cemetery,nobody wants to go in there, but they locked it all the time. the cemetery. not all cemeteries, but many lockwith high gates and high walls. why? people inside can’t get out. and we can’t get in.
we don’t want to get in. i mean, not forever,not to sit there or doing things there. funny. “people say that only ten peoplereally understood einstein. if nobody understands me,am i a genius, too?†it’s good. “if when i sleep, i dream that i sleep,do i have to wake up twice?†“when a mute and deaftell each other secrets, do they wear gloves?â€
(i don’t get it.) ha, ha, ha. i don’t get it.(sign language.) sign language, why do theyhave to wear gloves? (because it’s secret.)oh, secret! my god. okay. “i don’t have a problemwith will power, it’s won’t poweri have a problem with.†“i used to be indecisive,now i’m not sure.†what’s the use?
“no sense being pessimistic,it wouldn’t work anyway.†it’s the same,the same like above. “what do they callchurch pastors in germany? german shepherds.†i like that one. i like that one. german shepherd. because they call the priest“shepherd,†right? shepherd of the sheep.“baaaa.†so german shepherd,that’s correct, no? (yes.)
i think it’s too long now. maybe we do it next time. okay? (yes.) now, all these areaulacese (vietnamese)? from united states?(hawaii.) how many aulacese (vietnamese),raise hand. hawaii or “trawaii,â€raise your hands. how come you came so late? even the ã‚u lạc (vietnam)people came a long time already.
never mind. you are okay, yeah?(yes.) very good. how many non-asians? black and white, raise hand. okay, not too many. okay, i go now. and you take them to the gallery. the non-asians,black and white and all. the non-chinese,non-aulacese (vietnamese),
non-indonesian, non-singaporean,non-malaysian, non-formosan (taiwanese),non… you know what. you’ve made it here, huh? how come you look so young,exactly like before? two of you. three of you. you are still alive? oh, my god! i need to take care of something else. i’ll take care of you later,okay?
maybe i’ll come back. i want to see the so-called westerners. sit too long,my legs have gone to sleep. my legs won’t laugh together with… really, stupid knees. see you later! thank you. make sureeverybody comes, you. come, come.
i have some goodies.